ERE there be monsters. Or was that dragons? Hmmm. It could have been turkeys, I guess. Actually, it doesn’t matter very much, because a quick trip to your local video store will bring you all three, in the form of the latest DVD “based upon the masterpiece of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, The Lost World.” A friend of mine recommended this. I had no idea he hated me so much.

The newfound technology of digital filmmaking is a godsend to young and energetic Orson Welles wannabes, eager to take advantage of a 90% savings off the budget needed for a celluloid masterpiece, and thereby translate their visions into a magnum opus to transcend the ages. Or, then again, it allows every opportunist to hawk their motley wares to those bedazzled by shiny objects. Like DVD covers.

The Asylum is a small production outfit that specialises in digital movie-making, mainly for the direct-to-video market (or so I gather). I’ve heard a number of good things about their low-budget War of the Worlds, which supposedly made up for its lack of high-end special effects with good acting and writing. Very recently, their latest picture, entitled King of the Lost World, depicting a giant ape on its cover (along with the word “King” duly emphasised) was released to stores simultaneously with Peter Jackson’s King Kong to the theatres. Coincidence?

Now, I like to try to find both positives and negatives in almost every film I watch, regardless of the overall quality. Thus, I can find faults with Citizen Kane, and I can find merits to Plan 9 from Outer Space. But, as the supreme diety is my witness, I cannot think of a single thing I liked about this film. Let me summarise, as best I can, in an effort to warn you off this film. Yes, there are spoilers here, but if you watch this film for plot, you will be sorely disappointed anyway.

The film begins with a very obvious “homage” to the hit series Lost, whereby the survivors of a plane crash regroup and try to make sense of their jungle surroundings. Unlike Lost, however, which strives to make every character meaningful and three-dimensional in some way, we’re treated to a number of California-svelte cardboard figures whose trauma roughly approximates that of discovering that the double cappucinos they’ve ordered are actually singles. Among these handsome and nubile young people are: Malone, a travel writer who happens to have a degree in mechanical engineering; Roxton, the “cool guy in charge”; Summerlee, a female photographer with a large chip-like biscotti on her shoulder; and Lieutenent Challenger, a stereotypical hard-nosed military type with a mysterious briefcase. The latter is played by Bruce Boxleitner, who is obviously slumming since working on the Babylon 5 television show –which, ironically, also suffered from a decidedly low budget, but had the incredible writing of J. Michael Straczynski to keep things interesting.

The plot plods wearily along for an interminable hour (although it seemed much longer), wherein people get plucked up by “man-eating” ropes decorated with leaves, a lead character is killed by a bubble-like CGI scorpion which doesn’t bother to cast a shadow, and a tribal chief wearing a diaper gets to play the bad guy. Despite some feeble attempts at fleshing out back stories and motivations, the plot holes grow larger, and logic decides to take an early lunch. Unlike Conan Doyle’s The Lost World, there are no dinosaurs, but rather some dragons flitting about, severely blurred so we don’t actually see how badly rendered they are. And then, in the last few minutes, we see the star appear. (I could mention here the incredible build-up to Harry Lime’s appearance in The Third Man, but I’m afraid some readers might not appreciate the irony.) Yes, the mighty King, the giant computer-generated gorilla. And, like with the other creatures, the shots are quick and blurred in an effort to make him a tad more realistic. I’m afraid that this doesn’t fare any better than with the earlier attempts.

By this time, the very convenient nuclear bomb that the King happens to be holding is looking mighty fine indeed, and I cannot help but hope that any blast also takes out all the remaining characters. But, alas, the stage is set for a sequel….

If you are familiar with Conan Doyle’s masterpiece, you’ve probably noticed by now that there are almost no parallels whatsoever in this film, with the notable exception of some recycled character names. Without the actual characters, of course.

If you happen to be looking for a more authentic Conan Doyle experience, I’d recommend the 1925 film The Lost World much more highly. Yes, it’s black and white, and yes, it is silent, but it’s still oddly engaging after all these years. Or better yet, read the book The Lost World: it’s quite an enjoyable read, even with certain issues of dubious political correctness.